Side effects and mind games

On August 7 I started Xeloda, an oral chemotherapy. 3 pills in the morning with breakfast and three pills in the evening with dinner. On for two weeks and off for one. Shampoo, rinse, repeat...The list of possible side effects is as long as my arm. I'm not worried, because when I was having the chemo that required the infusion nurse to wear a special apron and a welder's mask in order to hook me up, my side effects were minimal. So, this will be a breeze! The first round went off without a hitch. No mouth sores, no nausea, no vomiting, no indigestion....I felt pretty good, maybe a little tired. I started round 2, went through a full week of 6 pills per day and still no side effects, maybe a little more tired, but none of the nasty stuff. Week 2 started well but by Tuesday evening I was reeeaaally tired and when I woke up on Wednesday and stepped out of bed I was convinced that I had stepped on some broken glass. I hobbled into the bathroom, still half asleep and confused as to how broken glass ended up on my bedroom floor. I expected to see a bloody mess of my feet but to my surprise there was no blood, no cuts, weird. The bottoms of my feet were red, like sunburn and very tender. I got my day started, hobbling around and by the time the last kids got on their bus my feet were peeling and blistering. As the day went on the skin on my thumbs started to split and peel and the palms of my hands felt like sand paper. It was scary how quickly it progressed. I called the infusion nurse and she told me to stop taking the chemo, use lots of moisturizers, drink lots of water and call back if it gets any worse, otherwise call back in a week and my doctor will likely make adjustments to my dosage. Thankfully my hands and feet started feeling better almost immediately. When I called back, as instructed, I was feeling almost completely back to normal other than one HUGE blister on my heel. I was instructed to take another week off from chemo. I will meet with my doctor on September 23 and we will discuss what the next move will be. Hopefully it will just be an adjustment to the dosing schedule and not a whole change of plans.

Now for the mind games. When I wasn't feeling any side effects from the chemo, my brain was saying "If I'm feeling this good the chemo must not be working." "I have to be feeling lousy in order to be fighting this cancer..." (I'm not saying this is rational or even healthy, these are just the games my head plays with me.) And, now that I've been off of the chemo for 2.5 weeks, my brain is saying "All of those cancer cells that were woozy from chemo are now regrouping and planning their attack to come back bigger and stronger."

I'm so much better when I'm distracted....Stay tuned!